This was the first month in a long time where I actually completely forgot about this newsletter.
Transitioning from June to July really tested me. Physically, sleep was in a deficit; financially, moving to a different country continues to surface unforeseen costs; and spiritually, I’ve struggled to find the time to sit and reflect. I keep racing to the next milestone, only to find out there are still more things to accomplish. Even in all of this, which generally sounds like an airing of grievances, I am overwhelmed with joy. Miraculously, June still taught me how to rest more, focus on the task at hand, and not let projections of others distract from what it’s really all about: naming inanimate objects.
Istanbul owes me nothing (well, maybe my money back for the purse I bought that wound up dying the last day of my trip.
(Exploring the city via ferry)
(Cafe kitty looking for treats in my purse before it ceased functioning as more than oversized clutch)
I can especially appreciate now the calm the city afforded me, which is really saying something. The city is huge and loud—not exactly the first place one would choose for a writing retreat. However, I’m anything but orthodox and my wallet was happy to be in a place where döner still costs like than 2 euros.
(The lovely view from my balcony)
I’m most pleased with the amount of rest I got in Istanbul. I’m so used to traveling and letting the excitement of a new place take hold of me. It’s almost second nature now to equate traveling with pushing myself physically. This trip wasn’t exactly planned (yay visa run), but having two weeks there meant I didn’t have to rush at all. The stars, annd my choice to abandon certain preconceptions, aligned for a much needed reset.
Distance from my new home showed me that there are just so many things requiring my attention in Berlin: it’s my choice in how I choose to divide my time though. In Istanbul, with space to think outside of distractions, I found myself locking in. I had two deadlines for the end of the month and the city in all of its glory became the backdrop for much of my work. The views in Istanbul are incredible and they sneak up on you!
I walked the streets thinking about one of my favorite writers, James Baldwin. Coincidentally, I had read about his time in Istanbul earlier in the year (I think I even wrote about it here). This is the second city, with the first being Paris, that I’ve found myself returning to his work. Both cities meant a great deal to him and I can understand why. Istanbul is particularly fascinating; worlds away from the United States, and Europe as well. I attempted to learn some Turkish, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say the feeling of anonymity that not being able to communicate gives you can be restful, indulgent even.
Honestly, all my brain power was going towards writing. My recent academic work has been some of the most challenging and my most proudest to date. I can’t share too much now, but I can speak on my article that was just recently published. I worked so long on this one and I can only hope the same is not required for this forthcoming one. You can find it here: http://click.email.emeraldinsight.com/?qs=4a9cecfdb8c4959b990349e2beb3fe1b63de663841f18b336fe0f963819536f5880de7e13c087d2834cd5a9673c9f2023bbca86170872dec
Reach out if you can’t access it!
(Photo Creds: Karo Jackowska)
A return to Berlin meant a flurry of new activities. I DJ’d at three parties, celebrated friends’ birthdays, and tried to maintain the same momentum and discipline I had harnessed in Istanbul. Nearing the final days of June, the reality of us moving became inescapable: one has to dismantle the proverbial bed (and also literally the bed).
Moving, after saying I didn’t want to do this anytime soon, was a lesson in many things. First, never say you’re not moving because the universe will laugh at you. Second, home really is where and who we make it with. Lastly, we all at some point will find ourselves on either side of the same coin:
Weaponized ignorance: underworking; we find ourselves dealing with individuals who refuse to do the work or put in the effort you know they would expect of you
People Pleasing: overworking; struggling to speak up about boundaries in the guise of thinking we’re doing it out of the goodness of our hearts when it ultimately ends up leading to a blowup of emotions
The two fit well together in all the worst ways, and there is likely so much animosity around them because of how much value we assign to work. Our time is valuable; we can’t waste it. We assign value to ourselves, and others, depending on how we use (or don’t use) our time. Where they really intersect is in the disservice they do to ourselves and others in choosing to not address them when they present themselves. Often in not addressing these behaviors we think we’re helping others—it’s easier to just take things on the hip. This is simply not the case. A real mark of home and safety, is not these things suddenly not existing, but in acknowledging that there are projections, theirs and ours, written into why they occur.
I still struggle with the challenge of assessing who is, and is not worth the effort of educating. The real question may be to what extent I feel myself worthy of such attention—for now that makes it a bit easier to see beyond my own biases and live a little lighter.
Living lighter currently feels like a running list in my Notes app of inanimate objects that now have names.
This is what it’s all about lmao
That is pressing send on this newsletter! Bisous xx 🤗